I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
