you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
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this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
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I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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