he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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