I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
