Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize