Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
