Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
