you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
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We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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