I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
