This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
