I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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