loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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