I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
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I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
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Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
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