1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
23 Insane Reasons People Got Fired
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
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His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear