what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
