Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
