Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
