The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Randomize
