Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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