woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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