how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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