eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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