I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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