I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
