I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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