dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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