I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
