Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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