Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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