final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
