You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Randomize
