if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
