You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
