dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
