'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
