i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
