gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
jump out the window naked night went bad
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
