Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
