so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Randomize
