You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
