OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
