i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
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