So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize