It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
