We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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