just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
