And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
