He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
