apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
