new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I made him laugh his dick is mine
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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