The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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