I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.