Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
