How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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