I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
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