we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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