My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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