its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
