Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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