He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
