you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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