"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
